A retired NFL football player named Shawne Merriman decided there was exactly one thing he was going to do if he ever crossed paths with one specific guy he had played against.
“I always said this,” said Merriman, “I said, ‘Dude, when I see Kevin Mawae, I’m going to punch that dude right in the mouth. I don’t care where we at.’ “
Well, both Merriman and Mawae were in Canton, Ohio, at some point in the not-too-distant past. They both attended an event for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
“I see Kevin Mawae,” Merriman recounted during a podcast published last month. “I beeline right to him. I want it right now. I want it right now on sight. I don’t care where we at. I don’t care what happens after this.”
What happened next made Merriman step around the corner to an elevator and, once he was alone, begin crying.
The reaction demonstrated two things:
The power of an apology
The pain that is found in the molten middle of most grudges
Before we dig into that, though, let’s explain the backstory.
Editor’s note: The direct quotes in this piece are drawn from Merriman’s interview with Keith Bullock, a former NFL linebacker, whose podcast is titled “Bullseye View.”
🔥 The inciting incident 🔥
Shawne Merriman entered the NFL in 2005, a pass rusher drafted in the first round by the San Diego Chargers. He was big, but more importantly, he was fast, and his ability to race around blockers and pummel the opposing quarterback made him a sensation from the moment he entered the league.
He had his own nickname: Lights Out. He had his own sack dance. Someone recorded a rap song about him:
He was named the league’s top defensive rookie in 2005. He had 17 sacks in his second season despite playing in only 12 games. In his third season, however, his career hit a pothole.
In the final month of 2007, Merriman’s Chargers played the Titans in Tennessee. At some point in that game, Merriman ended up tackling Vince Young after the ball had been handed off. There was no penalty, and Young was in obvious pain after the play.
Merriman checked on Young, and then, when he looked over at the Titans bench, he saw Jeff Fisher — Tennessee’s coach — staring at him.
“Like staring me down,” Merriman said. “So I’m sitting there, I asked him, I yelled, ‘What the (heck) are you looking at me for?’ ”
On the next play, a tight end named Ben Hartsock came in motion with the sole aim of hitting Merriman as hard as he could. The next play, offensive linemen Kevin Mawae and David Stewart both targeted Merriman.
“They’re blocking me 20 yards away from the play, both of them,” Merriman said. “And Kevin Mawae, I end up going to the ground, he clipped the bottom of my foot, and I heard my knee pop. I get up, I put my knee in the ground, my knee is unstable. It’s wobbly.”
Merriman suffered injuries to two knee ligaments, his PCL and LCL. Merriman came back and finished the game at Tennessee, which the Chargers ultimately won in overtime.
The league fined Mawae $5,000 for the play. Stewart received a larger fine because of an additional penalty for a different play in the same game.
Merriman missed the next week’s game against Detroit because of the knee injury, but appeared in the Chargers’ final two regular-season games and the three playoff games. As he prepared for He played the final three regular-season games of the year, too.
Merriman tried to play through the knee injury the following season, appearing in the season opener against Carolina before deciding he needed season-ending surgery.
Merriman returned in 2009, but he was never the same player again.
Entering that 2007 game at Tennessee, Merriman had played 39 regular-season games and been credited with 36.5 sacks.
He had two sacks in that game against Tennessee.
In the 35 regular-season games he played in after suffering the injury against Tennessee, he was credited with seven sacks.
😡 The grudge
Merriman said after the game he felt targeted by Fisher, the Titans head coach. He echoed those sentiments in an appearance with Colin Cowherd on FOX Sports.
Privately, Merriman had told people that if he ever saw Mawae, he would precipitate a fight.
“I said that,” Merriman said, “because that’s how strongly I felt. You do something to change somebody’s career, something is going to happen. Whenever I see you it’s right there on sight, right away.”
When they finally crossed paths at a Hall of Fame event, Merriman was ready to follow through in a most literal sense.
“I’m walking over to him,” Merriman said, “he’s walking over to me, and he sees me. So I’m like, ‘OK, cool.’ Before he gets a word out of his mouth, right now.”
Except that’s not what occurred.
“Before that happened, he put his hand out,” Merriman said, “and he apologized. He apologized for what happened.”
Merriman hadn't anticipated this.
Instead of a fight, the two men shook hands. Even then, Mawae wanted to make sure.
“Are you really accepting my apology?” Mawae asked. “That wasn’t my intention to hurt you because I know it changed your career.”
“Look,” Merriman responded, “if you really mean it like you’re saying it right now, I accept your apology as a man. I’ll take it. We’re good.”
After they spoke, Merriman walked away and went over toward an elevator that was located nearby.
“I sat down,” he said, “I started bawling. I started bawling, bro, because I always said that if I ever seen this dude in person that whatever happens after that point going to happen.
“I didn’t expect him to come up and apologize. I had no idea he was going to do that.”
Were the tears closure? Frustration?
“It was closure,” Merriman said. “It was closure because this is how I always thought about it, man. We all play this game to be recognized for the best at what we do. All of us. Whether it’s a Super Bowl champion, whether it’s a Pro Bowl, All-Pro, you want to leave this game with accolades because that’s what we do. So I always envisioned myself, I said, ‘I want to be one of the best players ever to play this position. So when they talk about this position 50 years from now, I just want to be mentioned up there with one of the greats.’
“So I knew that had a significant impact on what happened to me.”
The takeaway
An apology is one of the most powerful social tools we have as a species.
It’s also one of the most misunderstood.
Too often, saying sorry is characterized as a sign of submission or surrender, an act of weakness.
It’s more accurate, and certainly more useful, to see an apology as an offer to resolve an existing disagreement and to express an understanding of the consequences from a specific event.
In this case, hearing Mawae acknowledge the impact that play had on Merriman’s career provided an instant, visceral release for Merriman. It also shows the pain at the heart of so many grudges.
Merriman thought he wanted revenge.
What he actually wanted was understanding, and in some ways, he was lucky to get it from Mawae. After all, he walked over there looking for a fight. What he got was much more meaningful.