An experiment at my alma mater showed that crows have a sharp memory when it comes to people who've harmed them. In other words: I think I found my spirit animal!
Definitely a grudge. They are also very smart, I understand. I've heard reports of them learning to say words and also reward those who feed them with trinkets they find. So it raises another question ... are grudges tied to intellect?
As someone with a past history of holding grudges, yes, it is the sign of sterling intellect!
Just kidding.
It's a good question. Given my lack of neuroscience background, I'm probably not equipped to answer. Memory and retention has to be a part of it, right?
But grudges aren't always rational, either. It's possible to hold a grudge because someone received notoriety or attention, and while I like to think I'm mature enough to recognize those feelings of envy or jealousy for what they are, there are plenty of examples (cough, cough) national politics (cough, cough) where fragile egos lead to actual conflict.
The Marzluff experiment is wild when you think about it - 17 years of collective crow memory just from one incident. What gets me is how they passed down the "threat info" across generations, like some kind of avian oral history. I grew up near a park where crows would dive-bomb this one specific dude every morning, and everyone just kinda accepted it as normal lol. Your point about grudges being wired into us for survival makes total sense tho. My therapist keeps telling me to "let go" of certain resentments but maybe thats fighting against something fundamentaly human. The trick is probably knowing when that instinct is actually protecting you vs just keeping you stuck in the past.
So I'm speaking only for myself here ... I, too, have been told to "let go" of certain resentments. I think this advice is well-meaning and therapeutically sound.
I have benefited from letting go of the grudge I held against my stepfather.
But in order for me to do that, I had to learn why I was so hung up on it.
I used to think I stayed hung up on it for two reasons:
1) The magnitude of his misdeeds;
2) That I -- for whatever reason -- couldn't let go of things like other people could.
There are probably kernels of truth in both things, but when I dug back into this whole issue with my therapist back in 2021, I also realized there was something else.
I felt weak for not having stood up to my stepfather first as a teenager when he married my mom and imposed what I felt was a suffocating structure. And then, I felt bad for not standing up to him in my late 20s when he revealed himself to be something of a rat bastard (my opinion).
I was holding onto my grudge -- at least in part -- because I wanted a different end to it. I wanted to stand up to him in some way. To make it clear that what he did was wrong, and if he wasn't willing to recognize or acknowledge that, I would shout it from the rooftops (or a newsletter) until everyone heard it.
That's the part I needed to let go of. The desire to write a different ending. That's what was keeping me stuck, stewing on what he had done.
Now, when I look back at the grudge, I view my younger self with more compassion.
I did the best I could to navigate a very difficult situation. I was hurt and confused and part of my anger resulted from the fact that I was hurt (emotionally) by what happened both when he was my stepfather and during the divorce.
My desire for some sort of payback because of this harm was natural. However, the fact I didn't get the resolution I wanted (he never apologized, never acknowledged the harm) was keeping me hung up on what had happened. That's the part I had to let go.
That's a really long answer. I'm really glad you read the piece, and am grateful for your feedback.
thanks for the crow story! i wonder if a Dr explaining to you the detrimental impact to your health that the stress of a long term grudge does to you body, you might be able to let it go.
Some famous coach told his football team, “they beat you saturday, don’t let them beat you again on Tuesday ..”.
It's a very good point, Gareth. Absolutely true. Heightened levels of cortisol are just the start. Elevated heart rate, potential issues with blood pressure etc. Also, speaking strictly from personal experience, it's not good for your mental health, either.
And I have learned to let go of grudges that I've held. And it has been hugely beneficial.
I think the part that I was trying to get at in this piece -- perhaps poorly -- is that the impetus behind a grudge, its fuel in many ways, is a the very human tendency to seek retribution. There are a variety of studies that show this tendency does, in fact, exist.
The key -- I've learned -- is to accept that impulse or that flare of emotion for what it is: an instinct rooted in a more primitive part of our brain. You can't stop feeling it, but you can stop acting on it or ruminating on it. You can let it pass through you.
Forgiveness is certainly one method of letting go. I've found acceptance works better for me.
Now, when I think of someone who I believe to have wronged me or harmed me, and I feel that flash of, "Why I'd like to ..." I imagine the squawking crow, and I think to myself, "Well that's just my animal instinct talking. Isn't that interesting."
Thanks for reading, Gareth. Appreciate it very much!
Definitely a grudge. They are also very smart, I understand. I've heard reports of them learning to say words and also reward those who feed them with trinkets they find. So it raises another question ... are grudges tied to intellect?
As someone with a past history of holding grudges, yes, it is the sign of sterling intellect!
Just kidding.
It's a good question. Given my lack of neuroscience background, I'm probably not equipped to answer. Memory and retention has to be a part of it, right?
But grudges aren't always rational, either. It's possible to hold a grudge because someone received notoriety or attention, and while I like to think I'm mature enough to recognize those feelings of envy or jealousy for what they are, there are plenty of examples (cough, cough) national politics (cough, cough) where fragile egos lead to actual conflict.
The Marzluff experiment is wild when you think about it - 17 years of collective crow memory just from one incident. What gets me is how they passed down the "threat info" across generations, like some kind of avian oral history. I grew up near a park where crows would dive-bomb this one specific dude every morning, and everyone just kinda accepted it as normal lol. Your point about grudges being wired into us for survival makes total sense tho. My therapist keeps telling me to "let go" of certain resentments but maybe thats fighting against something fundamentaly human. The trick is probably knowing when that instinct is actually protecting you vs just keeping you stuck in the past.
So I'm speaking only for myself here ... I, too, have been told to "let go" of certain resentments. I think this advice is well-meaning and therapeutically sound.
I have benefited from letting go of the grudge I held against my stepfather.
But in order for me to do that, I had to learn why I was so hung up on it.
I used to think I stayed hung up on it for two reasons:
1) The magnitude of his misdeeds;
2) That I -- for whatever reason -- couldn't let go of things like other people could.
There are probably kernels of truth in both things, but when I dug back into this whole issue with my therapist back in 2021, I also realized there was something else.
I felt weak for not having stood up to my stepfather first as a teenager when he married my mom and imposed what I felt was a suffocating structure. And then, I felt bad for not standing up to him in my late 20s when he revealed himself to be something of a rat bastard (my opinion).
I was holding onto my grudge -- at least in part -- because I wanted a different end to it. I wanted to stand up to him in some way. To make it clear that what he did was wrong, and if he wasn't willing to recognize or acknowledge that, I would shout it from the rooftops (or a newsletter) until everyone heard it.
That's the part I needed to let go of. The desire to write a different ending. That's what was keeping me stuck, stewing on what he had done.
Now, when I look back at the grudge, I view my younger self with more compassion.
I did the best I could to navigate a very difficult situation. I was hurt and confused and part of my anger resulted from the fact that I was hurt (emotionally) by what happened both when he was my stepfather and during the divorce.
My desire for some sort of payback because of this harm was natural. However, the fact I didn't get the resolution I wanted (he never apologized, never acknowledged the harm) was keeping me hung up on what had happened. That's the part I had to let go.
That's a really long answer. I'm really glad you read the piece, and am grateful for your feedback.
thanks for the crow story! i wonder if a Dr explaining to you the detrimental impact to your health that the stress of a long term grudge does to you body, you might be able to let it go.
Some famous coach told his football team, “they beat you saturday, don’t let them beat you again on Tuesday ..”.
happy new year danny.
It's a very good point, Gareth. Absolutely true. Heightened levels of cortisol are just the start. Elevated heart rate, potential issues with blood pressure etc. Also, speaking strictly from personal experience, it's not good for your mental health, either.
And I have learned to let go of grudges that I've held. And it has been hugely beneficial.
I think the part that I was trying to get at in this piece -- perhaps poorly -- is that the impetus behind a grudge, its fuel in many ways, is a the very human tendency to seek retribution. There are a variety of studies that show this tendency does, in fact, exist.
The key -- I've learned -- is to accept that impulse or that flare of emotion for what it is: an instinct rooted in a more primitive part of our brain. You can't stop feeling it, but you can stop acting on it or ruminating on it. You can let it pass through you.
Forgiveness is certainly one method of letting go. I've found acceptance works better for me.
Now, when I think of someone who I believe to have wronged me or harmed me, and I feel that flash of, "Why I'd like to ..." I imagine the squawking crow, and I think to myself, "Well that's just my animal instinct talking. Isn't that interesting."
Thanks for reading, Gareth. Appreciate it very much!